i cry these tears for you...

hola! ok im sick of this account. so i made a new one! the name is brokinhartsclub. so all of you that consider me a friend, go to that one now! and that one i swear to keep updated as best as possible! adios muchachos!!

do you know what it feels like to be in love? so many people say that love is such an amazing thing. and i agree to some extent. the love between me and my family is amazing. the love between me and my friends is amazing. but the love between me and her kind of sucks. i remember meeting her. i thought she was the cutest girl i had ever seen. my immediate thought was "shes not gay". so i kept my crush a secret and became her friend. we ended up becoming really good friends. we hung out every day. i became a good friend of her whole family. then i find out that shes bisexual. i was estactic. i still didnt tell her i had a crush on her because i didnt want her to freak out and stop being my friend. and i didnt think i stood any chance. one day it slips. i told her i liked her. she told me that she loved another. i said its cool and that i hope i didnt freak her out cuz i loved her as a friend. everything was cool. i started hanging out with others people and we kind of lost touch. one person in particular told me some really bad stuff about her and i started to hate her. at least make myself think i did. months go by of me "hating her" when i stopped being friends with the new crowd and i was alone. i bump into her and we talk and i say im sorry. she forgives me, all is well. we are back to how we used to be. i get a new love interest. she tells me she has a crush on me. go figure! things go awry with my love interest and i ask her out. by this time she has a boyfriend. we fli flop like (im single shes taken, im taken shes single) for a while. then the worst thing happens. i date her brother. things between me and her went downhill fast. 3 months go by and me and her brother break up. a few more months go by with me and her not talking. when i run into her at her work. she says hi. we hang out on her break. she asks me out. i say yes. finally we are together. ive never been happier in my life. then she thinks i want her cousin. which i didnt. we fought, we talked, we got over it. things were great. i realized that i was in love with her. shes the only girl i could see myself spending the rest of my life with (im bi and i know i want to marry a man...unless it was her) then one night i talk to her i ask her to call me later, she thought i said id call her later. we never talked. when i did try to call, she wasnt there. so after about a week i assumed she dumped me. i was heartbroken. the love of my life gone. after a month or so of not being able to get a hold of her, i called and she was home. she asked me to come over, i did but she wasnt there. her cousin was. and out of anger, sadness, broken heart, and sheer stupidity i hooked up with him. (the worst part is, she is just finding out about this while reading this entry). i was "seeing" him for about 2 weeks. biggest mistake of my life. i regret it everyday of my life. now her and i are friends again. she tells me she loves me. but its hard to believe. she has a boyfriend. and even though i dont think its intentional, she throws him in my face. he brought up in every conversation. and today i met him. she intorduced us as "boyfriend (him) this is my lover on the side(me)". both of them started laughing as she said that. it hurt. she kissed him infront of me. it felt like she was jamming a stake through my heart. i wish she actually were. i spent the rest of my night at work in tears. i dont know why i cant get over her. now i work about 3 stores down from her (at the sme mall) so its worse. i see her all the time. her entire life is him and my entire life is her. its the hardest thing ive ever gone through........so please, esplain to me again why love is so amazing?

wow talk about not updating in a while. i guess ive been busy. not like anyone actually reads this thing. otherwise they should be kind enough to comment. just so i know im not writing to nobody. anywho. i just watched the finale of the bacholer(i know its lame its the only episode ive seen) and it made realize how badly i want to be in love. i want to be happily in love too! sometimes i just give up hope and think that im destined to be alone. the only guys that ever show interest are losers who want only sex. too bad i dont have sex guys. i want a nice boy who doesnt care about having sex. who likes me for me, who wants to be happy and in love and someday get married. is that to hard to comprehend? people always tell me "dont look for love, it will find you" but ya know what. ive never looked for love. i never went out searching. i never put any effort into it. so now im going to. now im going to go out and scope boys and ask boys on dates and see where that gets me. cuz this waiting around shit aint working. and i know people are gonna say "your only 20. your too young. blah blah blah" well ya know, ive been wanting to get married since i was little. ive been ready for marriage and family since i was 16. im the type of girl who wanted to be married by 22 and start having kids at 23 or 24. so that gives me 2 years to find a guy, fall in love, and get married! thats not a whole lot of time! and 22 is older than i originally wanted. if i had followed my original dream, id be married now! grr! why is this so frustrating? im asking now. if you are a boy who feels the same way, IM (iDATEDaPOPSTAR) me one day, or email me (broken.angel@earthlink.net) please let me know. im interested. my only requirments are 1. you are between 20 and 27 2. you feel the same way i do 3. you have a job
and yeah thats pretty much it. so please email me or IM me!!!

omgawd my effing sister made me cry! look what she wrote to me!
Kelly, you are so beautiful and so special. I'm so proud of you!! I love you so much and just know that I'll always be here for you whenever you need me. Chin up chicky...you're better than those bitches that treat you like shit. You don't need them...they're like diseases. Anytime you feel down, just know that you have many people who love you and want you in our lives because you bring us joy and unselfish love.
Love always,
Katy
wow i sooo love her like you wouldnt believe. im soo glad shes my sister!

I LOVE AMY MORE THAN WORDS CAN DESCRIBE! SHE IS THE GREATEST PERSON! WE HAVE SOME RAD MEMORIES TOGETHER WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I CANT WAIT UNTIL AMY IS NO LONGER GROUNDED SO WE CAN HAVE HOTT WILD LESBIAN SEX ALL DAY EVERYDAY!!!! IM SOOOOOO FUCKING IN LOVE WITH HER! YOU HAVE NO IDEA!

maya sweetheart i love you thank you for always being honest with me. you fucking rule!! i love you sooo effing much hun! cant wait til december!

EMMA! OH MY DEAR SWEET EMMA! GAWD HOW I LOVE THEE! YOU ARE AND ALWAYS WILL BE MY "LIL SIS". MY LITTLE GOAT GIRL! YOU DONT WANNA FUCK WITH GOAT GIRL. CUZ GOAT GIRL WILL FUCKING RAM YOU!!!! OH MY GOOD LORD I LOVE YOU LIKE YOU WOULDNT BELIEVE!

so im in bed last night sleeping like most people do when my phone rings. its about midnight. i answer it. this is my conversation: me"hello?" HIM"hey" me"whoa, hi" HIM"what are you doing?" me"umm, sleeping... where are you?" HIM"hanging out with my buddy jason, you know jason right?" me"yeah. i meant are you in california"" HIM"haha yeah im in california" me "uhh.. ok?" HIM"well yuou sound kinda tired i just wanted to call and say hi. but i guess ill let you go" me"yeah i took some nyquil im kinda dead right now" HIM"hey do you think maybe i can go to your house in a lil bit to crash there?" me"uhh no" HIM"its cool dont trip" me"ok bye" him"bye" HE CALLED ME! omgawd! whoa! why the fuck is HE calling me? i thought HE would be in north carolina by now!!!!! what the fuck? does HE still think we are together? HE hasnt talked to me in over 2 weeks and now all of a sudden HE calls me and is like can i crash at your house? im very confused! why did HE have to come back? i thought HE was out of my life. i lost HIM once i dont know how im gonna deal with losing HIM again. i know HEs an ass and HE fucked me over and all that. but i still love HIM. i dont think i can go through losing HIM again.

"this time i wont take you back. cuz i wont be the fool"

so i found out some news tonight that didnt quite come easy. i was upset. i made myself sick. but i never once cried. i talked to some people about it and i realized that i dont need that kind of bullshit in my life. so fuck them! fuck you for breaking my heart. fuck you for breaking my trust. fuck you for lying to me. fuck you for hurting me. fuck you for the things you did to me. fuck you for me cutting again. fuck you. FUCK YOU!!!!!! ive learned alot from some recent experiences. now i know what not to look for in people. now i know what kind of friends i want and what kind of relationship i want. so no matter how much i hate you, and believe me, i do, i also want to thank you for teaching that i dont need you in my life. i am an amazing person. im beautiful, im smart, im creative, im talented, im everything you wish you could be, im me. and im happy with that. so to those that fucked me over.. FUCK YOU

so my trip to NY. dunno. 50% of me wants to go on this trip. 50% of me wants to save the money for an apartment in march. i was really stressing on this. didnt know what to do. both are very important to me. but then i talked to Danielle, and she thought of a briliant idea. CAR WASH! so. i have decided to have a car wash next weekend. if i can earn enough money from the car wash to go on this trip or close to enough, then i will go. if i cant earn enough money or close to enough money then the money that i do earn will go to my apartment savings and i wont go on the trip. that way i know i tried my damndest (i also plan on getting a job to get some money as well). so there we go.

Now, i have decided that as well as getting the hanson logo tatooed, i want to get my favorit lyric too. the only problem is my favortie lyric is kind of long. "My forehead is still bleeding from the thorns i used to wear. Im left alone and im beaten, but this cross i choose to bear". so i dont know what to do. i wanted to get the logo on the back of my neck, but there is NO WAY ill be able to fit all those words on the back of my neck. so i thought on my lower back, but again, the lyrics are awfully long. so i thought maybe i would get my another favorite lyric of mine which is "I'll give you my devotion all over again" which is a still a little long, but definately way shorter than the other lyrics. so what do you think? first lyric and logo, second lyric and logo, or just logo no lyric??? please comment and let me know what you think. but please do not comment on how i should not be getting that as a tattoo. or about how bad hanson is as a band. everyone has thier own opinion. my opinion is that they are a incredible band whos lyrics have helped me through my hardest time. and although i know everyone has thier own opinion, i would really prefer not to hear anyones negative views on that band. thank you

"well.i.havent.been.myself.today*just.a.figure.in.a.big.monopoly.game*struggle.is.the.price.you.pay*you.get.just.enough.just.to.give.it.away*im.sinking.while.they're.floating.away*throw.me.a.line.so.i.can.anchor.my.pain*the.fabric.is.about.to.fray*the.fabric.is.about.to.fray*maybe.you.could.take.a.look.at.yourself.lately*maybe.you.could.take.a.look.at.yourself.lately*maybe.you.could.take.a.look.at.yourself.lately*Things.keep.coming.and.i.keep.wondering*and.i.start.to.feel.the.walls.closing*things.keep.coming.and.i.keep.stumbling*i.start.to.feel.strong.enough.to.break*i.start.to.feel.strong.enough.to.break*been.running.through.my.mind.today*scenarios.to.add.to.your.hypocrisy*no.one.ever.takes.the.blame*but.everyone.is.looking.for.a.cure.to.the.pain*nothing.ever.seems.tochange*no.nothing.ever.seems.to.change*we.just.play.broken.records.in.a.deaf.mans.charade*maybe.you.could.take.a.look.at.yourself.lately*maybe.you.could.take.a.look.at.yourself.lately*maybe.you.could.take.a.look.at.yourself.lately*Things.keep.coming.and.i.keep.wondering*and.i.start.to.feel.the.walls.closing*things.keep.coming.and.i.keep.stumbling*i.start.to.feel.strong.enough.to.break*i.start.to.feel.strong.enough.to.break*carry.on.just.a.pawn.in.this.same.old.song*im.still.holding.on*the.fabric.is.about.to.fray*

hmm... ok.. heres my update. friday, was in a bad mood. went to the doctors. found out i have a cyst. might have a blood disease. matt came over. that made me happy. til he actually got here and pretty much ignored me the whole time. he spent the whole time on the phone, or talking to my sisters. jill and laura showed up. matt asked them to go to a party with him. laura didnt want to. jill got pissed. made a scene. left. i wasnt up for partying. matt left. i got upset. realized a lot of shit. (hence the last post). went to bed. woke up. maya called. asked if i wanted to hang out with her jill and laura. didnt want to see jill but wanted to see maya. so i said sure. got ready. called jill. i could have sworn i heard matt in the background. got upset. jill said shes just going to her apartment and didnt want to get me. got really upset. cried a whole bunch. cut more. called emma. she came to rescue me. went to here house. hung out. got to see emily and devin. that was good. i missed them. jill called. hung up on her. matt called. hung up on him. matt called again. ignored it. he left a nasty message. jill kept calling. i kept ignoring her. went to olive garden. emmas friend came over. i got really sick. im way allergic to cats and emma has 2. went home around 9:30ish. went to bed. sunday woke up and spent all day in bed getting better. was supposed to hang out with maya. something went wrong. never hung out with maya. sunday night i came online. a boy got mad at me. started making threating comments. i blocked him. he texted me. threaten to ruin my life. im freaked cuz hes on meds and has been in a mental institute. plus he knows where i live. he hasnt done anything yet. but ive been walking around with a hammer in my hand everywhere i go now. if he tries anything im gonna get a restraining order. monday. spent at home lounging. tried to call matt to talk to him. he never called me back. called again and left a message saying "i take it your not going to call me back. so i love you and have fun in north carolina" (hes moving there sometime this week he says). went to bed in immense pain in my legs. today woke up and couldnt move my legs they heart so bad. finally was able to move them got out of bed and been on a constant go since. my legs have gotten worse. i had to squat to clean my neices room. dont know whats up with my legs. i have to go back to the doctors tomorrow to find out whats up and to get the results for my blood work. so yeah theres my update. doesnt it sound like the greatest life ever?!?!

i have a trip to new york coming up in late november. me, kelly1, and danielle. danielles mom said shed pay for all of danielles part as her birthday gift. kelly1 has a job and so it will be easier for her to start saving up. as for me i need to get a job. im gonna ask my mom if i can get christmas money a little early to go to the trip. thats about $200. then im gonna have about $100 this month. so thats $300. im gonna try and save up $600 for this trip (including flight, hotel, and spending money) so im about half way there. which is really good. now i just need to get a job to get the rest of the money! wish me luck!

so i realized something today as i was driving home from taking my neices to daycare. i passed by one of my sisters old apartments. and i remembered her picking me up in her old clanky car driving to her apartment listening to 4non blondes and being so happy to be important enough to my sister to have her let me watch her son. (this was when bryce was about 3.. hes now 7). it totally brought a smile to face and i started to cry. now i get to live with my sister. and even tho at times i hate her guts cuz she takes advantage of me, i still love her because shes my big sister. i used to idolize her. i wanted to be just like her. andi was sitting down listening to her and katy talk and i started crying cuz i idolized them both soo much when i was younger and now here i am, living with them. being equal to them. im thier sister, thier roomate, thier best friend. not just the little girl who watches their kids and goes thru thier clothes whenever i can (even tho i still do that).

*My.forehead.is.still.bleeding.from.the.thorns.i.used.to.wear.Im.left.alone.and.im.beaten.But.this.cross.i.choose.to.bear*

shit went down. having major drama. dont want to be here. i cut.

wow ok so yesterday: emma calls me. tells me we are gonna go to club beat it. i say cool. so she comes over. decorates me. wow talk about 80's madness!tells me we are gonna go to club 82 cuz danny can get usw in free. wow talk about 80's madness! we leave. we go to olive garden. YUMM!!! had the nicest/funniest waiter ever. emma was determined to beat the record of never ending pasta bowls and eat 15. she didnt finish her first. got a whole bunch of funny stares from people cuz of my clothes. it was great. have drama with jeremy, danny calls. we leave. go get him. drive to LA. get the club. hang out outside. go inside. we have to pay. he could only get us in free before 10:30. it was 10:32 when we walked in. oh well. we had fun. people watched mostly. wow its all about bangs!!!!!! met a cool guy from dana point. emma was totally flirting it up. it was 1:20ish. found danny. left. danny stayed. drove to corona to see jeremy. jill called. gave me shit she wanted me home so she and laura can go hang out. i felt bad but there wasnt much i could do when emmas driving and shes making me stay with her. but i wanted to. i never get to hang out with emma anymore really. so yeah. got to jeremys. he didnt want to come out. emma and i bitched at him. he hung up on me. i was pissed. he walked up to the door and scared the shit out of emma. he fell asleep in her car. he went inside. we left. went home. walked inside. house was a mess. tv's on (no ones watching it), cupboards open, dirty dishes laying around, the whole 9. cleaned up everything. made it a point to slam shit so jill would no i was pissed. laura immediatly left. jill gave me attitude. went online. attempted to go to bed but ended up staying up for like an hour or so talking with emma. "why is he flying? shouldnt he be on a BOAT?" fell asleep. woke up at noon. bullshited around. kelly1 and danielle called me. asked if i wanted to go with them to LA. talked to my sisters.. begged, pleated, bargained. finally got allowed to leave. kelly1 and danielle came over. they got lost.. ended up in santa ana. weird girls! drove to LA. was driving down sunset. these stoopid boys decided to walk in the middle of the street. slammed on the breaks. almost hit them. started bitching them out. then realized that one of them was mark mcgrath of sugar ray. kelly1 and danielle almost shit themselves when i told them. he saw them going psycho and started to laugh. then drove to the ousbournes house to chill and have a smoke. then just drove around aimlessly. then the skinny guy from outkast was in the car next to us. flirting with us. he wanted danielle like mad. then drove to the hotel where hanson shot thier video for "this time around". almost died. really bad neighborhood at midnight in LA.. wow that wasnt fun. especially being stuck behing a semi for like 5 minutes. came home. went to ampm for munchies. had a blast in there. got hit on by the guy that works there. he had opossum teeth. big, yellow, and need to be filed. the. came home. watched hanson footage. came online. talked to mr.klemm. watched more hanson footage. and here i am, about to leave to watch more hanson footage. yeah its been soo great!leave me comments or die! dont tempt me.. i willl find you and kill you.

*I.can.feel.you.read.my.mind.I.can.see.it.in.your.eyes.under.the.moon.as.it.plays.like.music.every.line*

*Feel.the.wind.brushing.slowly.by.If.I.could.soar.I'd.try.to.take.these.wings.and.fly*

i gave matt a cell phone so i could get ahold of him but apparently its not working... i dont understand him. i have such strong feelings for him. but i dont think those feelings are mutual. i wish i could just know. if they arent mutual then i want to know so i can stop waisting my feelings on someone who doesnt care. why do things have to be sooo complicated? everyone keeps telling me that i should leave him and that i deserve better. but i dont know or care about what i do or dont deserve.. i know that i want him. thats enough for me. as hanson said best "I cant explain what he does to me, you've got to love somebody to know, i cant explain how he sets me free, you've got to love somebody to know" (of course in the actual song, all the "he's" are really "she's")


*been.together.for.so.long.myfriend*now.you.tell.me.that.you'll.be.going.away*so .many.people.in.so.many.ways*were.drawn.by.you.and.all.the.things.you.say*now.i.dont.know.where.your.going.to*i.hope.you.find.your.way*i.said*whats.forever.if.you're.gone*give.me.the.strength.to.carry.on*when.you.see.me.walking.by*i'll.hold .my.had.up.high*and.think.of.the.times.when.we.were.young*when.our.love.had.just .begun*only.you.can.stop.the.pain*but.our.love.will.always.remain*i.sit.and.wonder.about.the.things.we.said*and.the.times.we.had*and.the.games.we.played*i.look.back.now.and.remember.the.days.days.we.laughed*the.moments.we.cried.and.the.love .we.made.and.now.i.don't.know.where.you're.going.to*but.i'll.see.you.there.someday*i.said*whats.forever.if.you're.gone*give.me.the.strength.to.carry.on*when.you .see.me.walking.by*i'll.hold.my.had.up.high*and.think.of.the.times.when.we.were.young*when.our.love.had.just.begun*only.you.can.stop.the.pain*but.our.love.will. always.remain*

that would be my favorite song.. if you know what song it is (and your not danielle) then post a freakin comment and let me know.. if you get it right ill love you forever!!!!!!!

leave me comments anyways.. no one ever leaves me any and it makes me feel so damn unloved.. am i really unloved or are you people just trying to make me think i am? cuz thats not cool either way.

so first off i think ill start with an update type thingy on my life. its weird. matt got out saturday at 2am.. got all nervous for like 2 hours before he got out. met up with him at dennys. got a big hug.. wanted to cry i missed him soooooooo effing much. the fact that i could hold him and hug him and didnt have an effing glass in my face or a phone in my hand was great. went to jills. hung out. drank. watched a movie. went to bed. woke up dropped matt of at his parents house. he waved goodbye. got upset. no hug or kiss or anything.. i got a wave. went home. went out with my sisters to get katys hair done. matt called. asked him about the goodbye. he said he was sorry. i couldnt stay mad. told him he didnt have to go to the show with me that night if he didnt want to. he said he did. so i went home. got ready went to the show. matt said hed be there with amy and judy at like 7:30. ran into tammy.. that was weird.. but good. even tho at times i hated her so much for what she did to me. i really did miss her. matt finally showed up. again met him at dennys. he gave me a big hug and kiss. that made me happy. enjoyed the show. solemite kicked ass!!!! SL was ok.. i dont like how they changed some of thier old songs. after the show matt came to my house. brianna (my neice) was really sick so matt and i stayed in katys room with brianna and stephanie (my lil sis) for a while. i fell asleep.. woke up like a half hour later and went into my room to sleep. matt woke me up at like 9am to tell me he was leaving to go back to his parents house. i asked him how long he was up til.. he stayed up til 5am talking to my lil sister. so i got out of bed went downstairs. he gave me a hug and a kiss and left to his parents house. went over to tammys. that was good. i missed brenda and tammy. amy came over. i missed her. we hung out. went a lil crazy but its all good. jill picked me up. came home. hung out with jill. watched tv. then jill says she has to tell me something. finally after about 15 minutes of us arguing cuz she wouldnt tell me, she says "apparently matt talked to stephanie last night and told her that he doesnt want a serious relationship right now" stephanie then proceeded to tell jill instead of me. so its like a big game of telephone with my love life. GREAT! so i want to call matt and ask him. but i dunno. it is kinda late. so im thinking i call him tomorrow. im really hoping its not true. stephanie does have a tendency to lie and exagerate things. so.. hopefully shes just being the little bitch that she is and making shit up........ i talked to tammy about it. she asked me if i loved him. i said i dont know.

"waking.up.this.morning.thinking.this.cant.be.real*they.say.there.is.nothing.love.cant.heal*why.dont.you.come.down.so.you.can.feel.what.i.feel*sitting.all.alone.in.this.place*even.though.were.here.face.to.face*there.is.nothing.gone.but.there.is.something.wrong*cant.you.see.that.im.stuck.here.underneath*that.you.make.it.hard.to.breathe*take.a.look.around.and.tell.me.what.you.see*youll.find.me.underneath*i,know.what.tosay.but.dont.know.where.to.begin*i.fear.im.losing.you.beneath.my.skin*is.there.a.cure.for.this.pain.im.in*sitting.all.alone.in.this.place*even.though.were.here.face.to.face*there.is.nothing.gone.but.theres.something.wrong*cant.you.see.that.im.stuck.here.underneath*that.you.make.it.hard.to.breathe*take.a.look.around.and.tell.me.what.you.see*youll.find.me.underneath*if.only.you.could.feel.what.i.dream*maybe.you.could.hear.what.i.mean*there.is.nothing.gone.but.theres.something.missing*cant.you.see.that.im.stuck.here.underneath*and.you.make.it.hard.to.breathe*take.a.look.around.and.tell.me.what.you.see*youll.find.me.underneath*

so yeah.. danielle and kelly1 were all sooooo excited about the utah show til we looked and that show is this saturday.. thats like impossible for us to do.. so we got all bummed out, got a lil teary eyed, then decided to try and make it to the texas show.. we thought wed save up every cent we have, and fly to texas on the 17th, see them on the 18, and come home on the 19th.. i cant just let it go. if i knew last night was going to be the last time in a year or two that id get to see them... i would have made it a HELL of a lot better! i wish they werent going to europe for their next tour.. that makes me sad.. so anyways.. i am now accepting donations for the "Kelly Squared Plus One" foundation. any little bit helps so please if youd like to help out, email me at NoAvrageGroupie@aol.com. thanks!

ps. random boredom: made new cd.. bunch of different hanson songs from the 3 cds i dont have (boomerang, 3 car garage, and the upcoming cd) looks great so far!!!

*I can never promise that you'll never be lonely. But as long as we're together we'll always end unhappy*

oh my good holy hell!!!!!!! wow got back from reno like what 5 hours ago? i dunno something like that.. wow 12 hour drive there! anyways, so saturday at like midnightish kelly1 comes to my house and gets me, takes me to her house, we go to bed since its now like 1am and we have to get up to be on the road at 3am. wake up late (4:30ish) get on the road to danielles house had some drama with her money.. get on the road for reno at like 8ish. were driving and having a blast!!! finding all the lil sexual stuff in hanson songs, making up new lil jokes and wow.. just lots of fun. but also stressful cuz we didnt know if wed make it on time for the meet and greet. but we still had a blast! so finally we get to reno at like 6:30ishpm we got a lil lost but finally made it to the venue (we were soo short on time all three of us had to change clothes and shit in the car while driving.. got many stares from old gross males) we get to the venue. find out we missed the meet and greet cuz they started early. we were all way bummed.. kelly1 went to the hotel cuz she was really upset. danielle and i stayed hoping for hope. met up with this girl named sandy. i didnt like her at first cuz i thought there was something going on with her and isaac, but soon got over it and became fast friends. hanson came on. they were unbelievable. sandy, danielle and i decide to stand in the back to watch. we acted like fools. dancing like retarded children holding sparklers, singing into our water bottles, and changed some of lyrics to be our own. taylor noticed us.. he giggled and said "you girls in the back" (no worries it was in a good way). ira (the sound guy) was really nice and let us listen to the headphones so we didnt have to listen to the lame crowd. so the show ends, no encore (kina bummin.. but its oki) go outside... get emo again cuz it hits us again that we dont get to meet the boys. then we walk around the corner and BAM! theres the tour bus and a bitch load of fans waiting for the guys to come out. isaac and zac were apparently already on the bus so we waited for taylor cuz danielle wanted to meet him and she had the worlds best picture of him and her that she wanted to get signed. so he comes out girls go crazy danielle almost gets his attention when this bitch from new zealand gets infront of her elbows her and busts out her video camera. danielle tells the new zealand girl whats up (politely of course) and she says how it was rude to have elbowed her. i think taylor heard cuz right after she said that taylor stopped signing autographs and went on the bus. danielle is upset cuz we drove 12 hours, missed the meet and greet, got elbowed, and didnt get to meet taylor. so she starts crying and she turns around and taylor is staring out the window of the bus looking at her which makes her cry more cuz shes so embarassed. then we call kelly 1 to come get us. she does and we ended up staying longer. we couldnt just give up after the day we had. so we stick around and isaac comes out.. i dont even notice it til danielle is like doing hand motions and facial expressions that were pretty much telling me to get my ass over there. i do and isaac is there. so im staring and i took pictures of him. then he starts to walk away with this old lady stops him and talks to him. there was no one around but him and this old lady so i walk over and pull out my sign. hes looking at me crazy like as im fumbling trying to get my sign opened. i finally do and he reads "-ISAAC- WANNA PORK?" and he starts to giggle and then he puts his hands around his crotch, does this pelvic thrusts and says "i so would". i froze i couldnt believe it. OMGAWD HE SAW MY SIGN!!!!!!!!! then micah comes over and tells him to get back on the bus. so he leaves. and im soo estatic. danielle was happier cuz she knew how happy i was. which is good. so we hang out for a bit more. and danielle, kelly 1, sandy, and i are standing in front of the tour bus talking when, not even realizing where we are, we start dancing again like retarded children holding sparklers and singing all of our lil joke bits of hansons songs. then we realize that we are infront of the bus and we start laughing soooo hard! we know they saw us. it was obvious that they saw and/or heard us... then we start talking to this random girl and i look behind me at the bus and the curtain wasnt shut all the way and i see taylors ass.. like he was bending over and his pants were a lil saggy so i saw like a 1/4 of his asscrack it was sooo effing funny! like i started laughing soo hard! then they shut the curtain so i couldnt get danielle. but it was great. so finally the bus is getting ready to leave danielle, kelly1 and i decide to follow the bus for shits and giggles. we run to the car get in and start going but we stopped for water cuz we were dying and we lost them. and then after we drive all around reno looking for thier bus we realize that they probably already left for oregon cuz they had the day off the next day and thier next show was in oregon so.. yeah... we decide to just go to our hotel. we get there. i pass out. wake up the next morning, drive around reno, go shopping, saw a prayer room inside of the mall, ate, then hopped on the freeway to go home. having a blast the whole way back since we werent in any hurry this time. we sang along with hanson, made fun of old people sightseeing to dirt, laughed our asses off, stopped like 50 times to pee, saw this cute boy at one of our stops, just had the time of my life on this trip.. wow i heart danielle and kelly1 soooo mucho mucho much for going along and being soo sooper!!! now im at kelly1s house crashing here with danielle planning our trip to utah to see hanson, thinking of more things we can buy/make with "H" or "HANSON" on it.. and just having fun... but now we are of to bed night all!

*i can never promise that i wont leave you lonely..... but i wont be the fool*

wow so yeah life has been pretty good lately! first off, matt gets out on friday!!! yay!! thats one week! hehe.. now.. i got to see hanson on august 31st and last night! wow! im lucky!!! and i might go see them again on sunday in reno! first night of seeing hanson was at the house of blue anaheim.. it was GREAT!!! sttod kinda far back, but still saw them really well. emma got alot of good pics.. i have but cant post cuz they are on my other puter. second night of hanson.. even better! met lots of great people who i heart to pieces! got about 3 rows back, but had this chick who was like 6feet tall in front of me. this dumb chick behind me left a bruise on my shoulder from tapping me so damn hard to tell me to put my sign down.. almost smacked the beejeezus outta her. then after the show danielle bought me a poster.. way hot poster i might add too! hehe... then we went outside and waited around trying to see if we could meet the boys.. never got to. so we said goodbye to our new found friends and went home. it was great! other news, jill moves out tomorrow.. kinda glad cuz i miss having my room and bed to myself... but sad cuz we got alot closer while she was staying with me. but oh well ill stil be able to chill with her often. so yeah.. about the sunday show.. i dunno if im going. kelly is trying to find me a hanson.net card so i can get into the meet and greet. if i can get that and a ride halfway to her house then ill go. the only reason im iffy about going cuz i missed visiting with matt today since i cant find my wallet or ID (which im hoping is in emmas moms car and not lost in san diego) and i might not go tomorrow cuz shannon might go. so if i go to see hanson on sunday then i wont be able to see matt.. ill have to wait until friday when he gets out... AHH!!! i dunno.. it all depends on whether or not shannon is going to visit matt tomorrow and if i can get the meet and greet pass and stuff.. so yeah.. ok well im out.. i have to put my nephew to bed and get out of his room.. bye all! sorry i havent updated in FOREVER!!!! my sister wont let me go to websites on her computer anymore.. it may be a while til i update again i can only do it at my dads house or my moms house.. so yeah.. heart you all! byebye

wow.. talk about not updating in a while.. holy hell! well lets see.. news, ive become an alcoholic. thats not good.. i have been so drunk that i dont remember the last 3 days. im having mad boy troubles.. but i cant really talk about them cuz his sister reads this and then it might get back to him and i dont want to go thru all that drama.. but it just really sucks right now... i want to stop drinking.. i tried to stop smoking but its hard.. i was really good and down to like 3-5 cigarettes a day.. til all my drama started happeneing.. now im back up to .. alot more.. i want to quit... i dont want to do that kinda stuff anymore..life is just really shitty right now.. i wish i could go into detail but i cant...

OMGAWD!!! WHO IS GOING TO GO TO THE IN STORE IN LA WITH THE USED????? OH YEAH!!! ME!!! THATS RIGHT!!!! WOW HOW I LOVE MICK FOR TAKING ME! HIS FRIEND KNOWS THE BAND SO NOT ONLY AM I GOING TO THE IN STORE.. BUT IM HANGING OUT WITH THEM AFTERWARDS AND I MIGHT GET TO GO TO THE SHOW!!!! OH YEAH!! YOU ALL ARE SOOOOOO JEALOUS!!! HAHAHAHA!!! *PERMA SMILE*
::Kelly::

EVERYONE! I HAVE CHANGED MY NAME! EVERYONE MUST CALL ME STUART! I WILL NO LONGER ANSWER BY KELLY! TELL EVERYONE YOU KNWO WHO KNOWS ME THAT I HAVE OFFICIALLY CHANGED MY NAME!
::Stuart::

its apparent that im not over BWK. i was talking to my friend and she told me "we talked for like 2hrs then at around 12am we talked for like 1 1/2...........we gonna meet sometime he got my number hehehe...........i want him so badly" and ill i wanted to do when i heard that was cry and sock her in the forehead. i hate that i cant get over him. usually when i know someone doesnt like me, i just accept it and move on. but i cant move on with him. i talked to him last night for like 10 minutes and i told him i was going to disneyland. he said hell probably go too. so i spent the whole entire time (from 6pm til 1am) looking for him. im sure i drove cyn nuts. i wouldnt go on any rides or anything.. i just wanted to find him. i never did. he probably didnt even show... i need help..........